..For a hamburger today.
Though a Great Dane, he felt as but a runt from a litter of A Chihuahua's. He puffs his chest and walks up to the attendant, wearing only but a smile, and wonder what people may think . He puts the Currency on the table with pride yet he hides in a invisible cloak, one that he wishes he had.
"That much on number eight please, " he says with false confidence and sweat falling from his brow. she looks at him with only a glance and small smirk, but this not with judgment but with comfort. Allowing the Great Dane to think what he thinks while letting him know it's fine. When he looks at her and she looks at him, he says " each nickle I counted myself. "
"and the lint?" she says :
"the lint? He says, "the lint is a bonus, a tip that is unless a nickle I did forget."
My thinking cap
The left side
a moment when something went wrong, was wrong, not right
CarS seemed closer
10 freeway. Tighter
Expanding the left side felt
not farmiliar
lights rain
around looked around
nursed tears
called mom
slow mo
talked listen
not right some not normal
read sign reading signs talking words
Call mom
tears (no why) they just
normal? Not like I? Not
feeling? Not a ouch more a uh
disorinted. What ? Place, my location.
my left side heavier
tears again
saying words readjng words
love
I have the strength. Then I have the strength to doubt my strength
This limbo that I currently resign in, is a fucker. I have all the puzzle pieces to put the puzzle together again. There are all there in front of me and the pieces that are extra, I'm trying not to have to use them.. Wait puzzles don't come with extra puzzle pieces?
in any case. At one moment I have full strength to know the what and how so I can do..
then in a single moment, I, and only I, ignore it the fear or maybe it's the momentary miss placement of my confidence, what ever i label it as, it puts me back forgetting the what and ho unabling me to get that "do " part that needs to be done, sooner then laterz (auto correct out that z lol my Siri is street)
this will pass.. These restless nights of wanting to take over the world, and then get lost again in the action of "painting the town red" (as you kids call it) then wanting to jump back into my pattern because I miss it, the entireity of it.. The him.
But remember he doesn't want me. Not like i wanted him. The questions I have will never an answer and the truth will never be mine to bask in once it all comes out...
Either way, I know it's not him. I believe 'the him' is not him.
The Answer: balance
what went off balance: me
what cause the off balance?: allowing something/someone take over things that kept the balance
what was/ ultimately your balance: my family. The seeing them, being around them.
something was off when?: when i looked around me and saw what it was/is becoming my normal. When I looked around i saw who it was that i was choosing to take my time, take my attention. When I looked around and saw no one that I wanted to be like. When i looked around and saw that those around me do not have the ambition or drive to be something other then a "i once was" or a "one day i will." When i looked around and the only "friend" our of the pool of "question marks" has no idea what it was that i actually do. Something was really off when I finally saw and accepted that my true relevance and importance was always not when it came to the few whom claim to have a) been friend b) "really know me" or c ) care so much that....
explain these realizations: There is a fear of change. there is fear of failure. There is a fear of success and there is fear ourselves. When i look around and I try to help others be the best can be because I know they are capable of it... that does two things. 1) wastes my times helping because if they dont believe they are deserving or capable then they never will. and 2) doing this and helping other chase their tail, avoids me from having to now figure out what it is that I want to do with my future (since my current career is in question.
The friend thing, well that was kinda always known. But i have a bout a small few from this pool of "question marks" that i would consider a true friend. Though some of the best advice i got was "none of these people are your friends" And that is true. In this one particular situation, i reflected and those this friend exclaims to me how much he loves and cares etc etc bs bs, i reflect and put into question he as in entirety. ultimately and at the end of the day he is no friend. He os no acquaintance. He is a question mark. And I am done with all these questions.
To gain or find your balance again what did you do and how did it help: When i saw me loosing me in this whole thing i went to my parents for a month for sole purpose of being around love. And that decision i can say saved my life in many ways. At first when i made this decision to go to my parents for a month it was only for sake of having distance between what was my normal and the elements in which i chose to keep close. In my mind it was still me failing at this game of life because 35 and living with mom and dad is a very rockbottom moment especially after all the experiences and great shows and a emmy and a lot of things (physical and not physical ) that I works and earned.. and to back step - I just couldn't not think i was a failure.
Something happen with a fellow artist, and when i learned more about him it was, to me, that his balance was off. The city is tough place. I stick up for it but pretty much it will eat you alive if you're too weak to show it wrong. In this cause the gentleman committed suicide. and i look around where i was when i heard this news and i was in a peaceful place with my parents and that I realized at the moment my family, their love, their hugs, their conversations, their company, their laughs, their stories, their trust, their unconditional love, their creativity, their understanding, their pride, their heart, all of it. These things I let go of, and by doing that I was on small lifeboat almost ready to stop swimming but i was lucky, i am lucky, grateful that I came this month, that i have them here so close, that i have them at all. I am not failing at life, myself or anything else for that mater if I chose to come home for a month a year.. whatever. I know now that these people, my family are my balance. From Los Angeles, from the "question marks" from the zombies from all those heavy things that i let hold me down. And I'm to blaming anyone,..i am my own mind, i am my own.
solution starting now: MY family will be back into my routine, I will go do visits, i will not do that again. My normal isn't was was it.. I acknowledge that i was close or trying very hard to become a "question mark" for a few reasons.. to be loved and to give up. I have began to edit those "question marks out of my life."
Bullet notes of what you've learn:
Balance is the key to everything. Find yours it will save you.
Egos and insecurities are what drive gay men who use. Its has nothing to do with anything else.
you dont like me? fine you suck - ego
We'll if you leave iill just find someone else " insecurity
"You're great but let me get back to you"- The grass is always greener City
Wasted words.
more to come
RIGHT NOW IT BEGINS. IT BEING ME.
https://www.facebook.com/anthonyj.morales
Right now is a time of something. Something that is only based and sourcing from something bigger then me. Change mainly.
Since i turned 30, when this shift began it has been years of determine and trying to figure out..well everything. My perspective began slowly to change and i guess saw things for what they were rather then what i thought they were? what i wanted it to be? what i saw they could be? maybe all three.. Either way it has been a very (prepare for cliche) eye opening and disheartening to learn and see.
I didnt have a miserable childhood, there was nothing there for me use as the excuse for why this is the way that is or whatever. But slowly over the last 5 years things happened and change was/has been occurring bringing to this place where i write these words at this moment.
That place being my parents in San Bernardino, the place I ran fast from when I was capable, wondering if a month from now i will keep my apartment that ive known as my home for 12 years, wondering if i will be back in the lines 'of the everyone' and applying for a seasonal job at TBD chain that who knows may become the new career. This decision that is only fulling emotions in my head that are of my own judgment. Failing, giving up, statistic, expected, FAILER, FAILED, QUITER.
I am unsure what to do but i continue to do this, this whatever its that im doing, I am seeing and learning and weighing all my options while trying my best to not throw in the towel...
Almost a month ago, things got real. More and more I was getting tired of swimming, tired of telling myself "everything will be ok."
Everything that follows are what i myself am experiencing on this journey of ultimately seeing.
Life is simple. it's only complicated as we make it.
2bedroom/ 1 bath
INT. AJ'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
AJ TAKES OFF HEADPHONES AND WALKS DOWN HALL LOOKS TO ROOM NOT HIS OWN.
(Possible casting options: George clonney, Johnny dep type)
AJ
(somber demeanor)
YOU WERE RIGHT.. IT IS HOTTER IN THIS APARTMENT...
AJ TURNS OFF LIGHT TO ROOM QUICKLY HOLDING BACK TEARS.
FADE TO BLACK (with light switch action)
INT. CLASSIC BMW - NIGHT
WINDOWS ARE UP AND MICHAEL IS INSIDE DRIVING AND SINGING THE SONG FROM THE FILM FROZEN "LET IT GO" AS THE AIR CONDITIONER BLOWS (COLD AIR) EMENSILY AT HIS FACE.
(shot in slow motion/ hair blowing panton commercial hair flips/ Beyonce fan effect/ possible casting options: Danny devito type)
MICHAEL
(singing gloriously and loud)
LET THE STORM RAGE ON.
THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY!
Bye bye roomie. Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me ready lines with you. thank you for not being an actor stereotype and thank you for being you.
Brilliant is Brilliant.
Beautiful work. You are great at what you do. Cheers. ENTERTAINMENT MAG
Get your copy today and I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE NEW SEASONS of all of the shows that the Genius Shondaland has coming up. Keep #inspiring
Photo credit : james white
Attention to detail
Just a moment to stop a appreciate. I know this happened moons ago but I just love it. All of it. The movie. The impact from the movie. The story behind making the movie.
Jennifer Lopez taking time to do this project. David for bringing this idea to fruition, taking the risk, the attention to detail. All of it I just appreciate the art of it all.
TWO PEOPLE BUT ONE (INTERNAL, you selfish bitch)
Right now moment # 346
Dog people, let's talk about them, you, anyone who walks their dog in the streets of Los Angeles.
we, who don't dog walk, we know that when you walk your dog with no Baggie for their poop, that just means you left your house with no intention to clean up your mess. Let's be real.
You put your slip flops on, as you walk to the counter or floor where you think you left the leash you excite your k-9 by letting them know That they are bothering your Netflix marathon of __(fill in the blank show)____ by you having to get off the couch... Then you probably see the doggie bags on the counter but it was just too far from the front door... Oh first world problems.. Then you have to walk down the stair with your hair in bun or man bun (in west Hollywood or silver lake living situations) and walk the k-9.....while texting.. Then as you stroll oh so leisurely contemplating the unproductive day your feline (insert animal name here) takes a number two... But oh no the bags!! Grrr (shake fist to air) uh you then realize someone is behind you... And what do you ???
you talk to you dog. ..what the fuck?
You tell your "Let's go get the Baggie, gotta come back and pick your poop. Let's go! (In your worst baby talk voice)
now we all know you aren't coming back, I mean please your dog is rolling his eyes thinking "bitch, you ain't fooling no one, now let's go feed me, bitch."
And we all know these damn signs about picking up poop are because those kinds of people who they themselves don't pick uo the poop. So, if your dog shits, you have no bags, just call it furtulizer.. But don't pretend to be the perfect parent .. Cause we all there ain't no such thing. So don't have your internal monologue outloud, we don't care that your lazy... Just tell me how great or terrible tha Netflix show is.
What Once Was Gold.
Sculpture created by @carlhopgood
What once was Gold and unattainable, from afar we stared and gawked.
These antics are where we begin this story, the moments within One wish One had forgot.
Even from a distance, it's known by the obvious eye, that "the why " is not the reason "but the I " is actually the why.
All believed, that the shine shined was it.
It was,
or was it,
no answer yet.
But gold it wore so yes it must,
it is ,
to it,
it is to us.
That desire from the gawking transformed into such a Lust.
A dangerous one but both they jumped.
The lack of caution in the leap that stung,
With the waves of this action a new reaction began.
Intensified the scars too deep to even know.
Lust transformed into such a passion, seemingly enjoyable for both.
Craving, wanting, needing, each other but much more,
What are all these feelings they are feeling?
They don't even know.
These feelings both have not known before,
No matter nonetheless,
done is now and now is there’s.
In almost unison they surrender to the unknown.
Now though it seems this lust for the two was the peak of the peak.
Oh no.
hold tight.
more words we speak.
This passion was the dance they danced but yet two different songs each they heard.
Though sync was off as they sway,
This toxic dance caused much pain,
that pain they just danced away.
But this dance was good, so good, you see. "Pain, what pain that's love I see." One sings.
For now the dance has became such,
It’s now their love, some love, less love, sure love call it what you want.
What else do we call a love that can not love with out?
"Right? Or wrong? Who's to say? " One continues, "What I feel I feel, what Gold shines he shines, that’s what he says."
This love is as though stolen from the journal of Aphrodite or is a thought from the pre-trauma that Isodel has yet to face.
It's a love so blind, so perfect in One's sight,
"It’s now,
It’s us,
It’s breath,
It’s might."
I the narrator break frame and say, “Be careful One, you have but one life. Is he worth all you sacrifice?”
But they just dance and dance and hear not me and each lose their nights,
there for we just continue to read.
As ladders climb and stairs arise, this love of love, clearly intensifies.
Through their vein’s this love ran,
Without a beat, it took and claimed,
Leaving nothing much for One to grasp,
But One don't mind,
So take he took and that was that.
Now as I narrate to you these words we see, does though it seem One is but only a vessel merely a concubine for he?
Continue we go not much more I can grasp,
So hard seeing One stand high and so blind.
But who's to say this couldnt be you or couldnt be i?
The glimmer in which began with a stare,
Left just enough for One to trust,
But that small taste of trust may have ignited a doubt and questioned the love, One sings about?
Quietly, One twist and turns in a ball on the bed and softly One whispers, "it's me, it's me, I see, I know."
Yet when the nay-say-ers say nay, One will stand proudly and say with calm and ease, "Ask me how I knew I saw what is true. A moment, like this Is how I knew. “
The crowd crowded around to hear of her reason,
in hopes for a glimps
To finally believe what One sees.
“It was but a glance,
A quick glance is all that it took.
What was seen in the glance,
was pure and in full.
For a moment it was Gold's heart,
Bright as bright can be.
Few saw but I saw, he shined it for me.
But what came quick and without thought, shared with purpose or not,
I saw what I saw,
believe me or not.
And before he noticed what has been exposed,
I grabbed that heart and that moment, then I hid it you see...
but only in fear. Is why it's here with me.”
A voice screams, “In fear, that is why you grabbed this moment In time?”
"Ok, fine it's not fear but it's safety, yes that's what I'll say. Safe keeping, until that one day."
“One this is not greed that motived such?”
“No, narrator not greed, or ownership, though desired that sounds.
Look. Nonetheless, i hold tight,
this grip of our truth; this heart he has,
just wait the day i show all of you.”
The crowd disperses leaving just One, "Narrator do not worry, Gold means no harm.
When he remember his heart, he will be back to his start.
Though his actions seem tough
and my size grows much smaller,
I have hope he will come back,
And be regrettable sorry. So, i tough through the rest making his fall be of ease, cause when he sees he'll finally see."
Time has passed a bit,
Evolving this moment that’s gripped.
It has reformed their love to something of fright.
Same feelings but not,
"What’s this Love called if not love,?" One screams from the story to us.
“One. Love is now a cancer, your love is but fury. Do you see now? Do you see why we all worry? “
One stands so still though to process but not regret.
Looking around to see both worlds, which have fallen flat.
Mere crumbles and dust in the wind they go,
But One grips tight that moment, and still ignores what she heard,
“The past is the past, no mater the cause or effect.”
One then turns and both at almost sync,
They continue they go,
Even now knowing what they know.
Now this cancer,
Claiming all that it wants,
No matter the emotion or result,
What’s gone is gone.
Good bye, the romanced heart in which One still had,
Whether born with or given all no matter it's bad.
What was sad was not the vanish of what was snatched,
But how everything became the normal as though nothing turned black.
The Comfy and familiar, "pain? What pain”. One asked.
"It feels so strong inside my gut. Is that pain or love? Not I know. Or can’t not tell, it's all the same. No matter now," One says to say.
And so once again narrator speaks, “One? May we ask? which way is up and which way is Down?"
"Well... What’s down is up and up is down." One softly says with questionable doubt.
Too deep One is..
From the pages One yells interrupting us all, “Narrator I’ll show you!
You forget in this grip,
the proof that I have.
The moment to rest all the fear that is had,
It’s the initial desire,
lust and passion,
which is clearly ending with love between two.”
The crowd with waited breath, all stand near and on sight.
It’s time, time Is now.
Reveal we now must.
The grip One loosens, slow but with might,
All wait to see the heart,
and the truth One claims,
which we see deep in One’s eyes.
The anticipation built as can be,
I Afraid of One’s sadness after what One wont see.
But as the grip is released all gasp in reaction,
But not of One's empty hand,
But something else completely.
What once was gold is now a rust,
The faux gold leaf flakes and a mask then sounds when it falls.
Leaving One but stil to see the real reality of it all.
Silent both stood, but with little energy that's left One says only this, “I am but the fool because all I ever did was believe in you."
Slowly One left.
FIN
Spanks
So, as it be known I am and have been on a path probably no different then the next. My woe's are not bigger nor smaller, less important or more, my experiences are not better not greater nor any different then the next. I have come be comfortable enough in my skin to accept me as I am and embrace the gift I have of feeling everything.
I post in the moment of feeling, in that moment i want to say out loud, sometimes sad or happy or lost or at the edge.. And I know no filter to know if it's too much information to share with everyone. All I know is my healing is sharing it, and though, many don't listen , that is no matter because the opportunity I take in using a platform to be able to express these emotions, either through words or photos or videos or painting or other random concoctions that I build, that is my own therapy. It's me not keeping it in, If I truly speak aloud my hurt or pain then it allows me not to die inside overthinking, resetting and what if-ing.
So if you listen, if you gather, or relate, or understand, or quietly from afar think "me too" or not even knowledge the repetitive sometimes mass quantity of perspectives of my emotions that I post on a daily basis.. I still say thank you.
It seems that it's time for the "it" to Happen. IT being my obvious.
I may get quiet on Facebook and speak via this site as this Time and shift progresses.
I don't want bother all with my constantly changing roller coaster.
But the two Facebook pages I run will he updated more frequently I hope.
One being about the page about the those individuals in my life who are leading this inspirational movement that we about to soon embark on.
Actions Are Louder
and my page that is like this site but just share my other outlets of bringing ideas to fruition.
Subtitle productions
Please and thank you.
More to come