Early inspiration
We used to see in color
Now it's only black and whiteIt's only black and whiteBecause the world is color blind
When I watched this video i was amazed why my eye were so excited. It was something I've never seen before, the music video was first in a longtime to be shot in video and I'm unsure if it was the vibrant colors that made it come alive but I knew that what they did I wanna Do something that as epic!
I feel...
at this moment... everything.
I feel:
JOY (because i am with and saw and hugged and laughed and am in close company with my family).
LOST ( in who am i right now, to where am i going in my path.. Once I knew, now i learn all over again)
SAD (that the familiar has to be now the unfamiliar. for sake of me).
DIS-HEARTED (that I have been told and began to believe all of these "Santa isn't real* moment)
DISAPPOINTED (with myself for listening to the wizard and avoiding the reality of the man behind the curtain).
EXCITEMENT (to enjoy tomorrow and the next but present for the people who choose me to want to be around. To be there for those people who value me. To be there for me).
SCARED (that it will end not well in their storybook).
HELPLESS (cause I can't help.. I never could have).
ANTISAPATING (Refocusing).
EXPECTING (Anger back at me for not following the pattern that once was).
TERRIFIED (im not capable to be without and that I will fall back into the web that is my own demise).
GRATFUL (i am still able to feel, that i am still capable, that I have people, that I have another oppurtunity, that I had the moments and times and hugs and the chance to even see your heart).
BROKEN (cause my tread is short and I am aware I have few chances left to be the one who can correct any of this.. and i am going to try).
WISHFUL (you see and truly re-read, and remind, and revisit, and believe that I truly loved you and tried with every ounce to let you know I do, i did, love you. I will always be your biggest fan but I wish you truly understand that I was always there soften the falls, the cloudiness of the underworld just altered your perspective of the situation and i am not mad, and i can not hate, i know you did your best with what you were capable of giving.. and I know that.
HOPEFUL ( to see that someone like Caitlyn Jenner is a symbol of so much more then the obvious. She is proof that there is HOPE. That this world can be a terrible place, and the monsters among us go out their way to crush and hurt and egos plague the creative, the ambitious and the dreamers but when you look and see an individual such as this olympic hero be comforable enough after 57 years on this earth and have courage to say out loud that she is comfortable in her own skin finally, even with the world as it is, and the ingnorance at its peak, there is hope that in some we evolved in a good way enough to let us all agree that yes, we are different and yes we accept you. HOPE, we can get better for the good.
Tired....
Creative Commitment part 2
Because I have to now refresh and relarn who I am.. I am going the path of reminding myself via website and Instagram what each bookmarks/ each tattoo meant and when and why.
Enjoy.
exposure
the times are changing. commercials were starting to be fast forwarded through so the product went into the shows. Now the shows are beginning to relocate to the web.. opening a new chapter the once network to new digital. The DIY tv is more a thing because the future allowed us to speak and say what and when we watch. click click goes the likes and subscribers..
is the new home for new product, fresh treads, the cool water, the bling and the hair product now directed to those DYI tv visionaries. I mean why not have the street performers on 6th ave wear TBD athleisure (athletic-wear) but Designer Fresh designs' spring 2016 collection, and jewelry by BLING maker gun metal, as they dance to the soundtrack by FRESH NEW DJ in-between their NEW MOUNTAIN FROM PERFECTVILLE drink breaks as their crowd of triple digits clap on as they are recording, instagramin', twittering and liking their clip from their YOUTUBE 100k subscribers.
Relevance (random thoughts)
Are we as a society afraid of our relevance?
Are we as individuals afraid of our own relevance?
What does their relevance have to do with you?
What does your have to do with theirs?
Who determines ones Relevance?
Are we not afraid for our image to fade as though our existence was forgotten?
Have I made such an impact with my relevance?
Have you left a unforgettable action on the world, city, town, community, social circle?
Is what what I did enough?
enough for who?
APRIL (three years ago)
A retrospect point of view:
April three years ago I very well could have died in that car accident. The events that lead me up to that have since changed my perspective of things and for a moment cleared my all. But again i rose to having to learn more self observation.
this time last year my health was to shit and when coming home from NY in july and by August when finally going to the doctor learning that my health was far worse then expected; even though my appearance was making the reality very obvious, so much so that I was and would have died twice if I had avoided the inevitable, which was taking care my ignorant mentality and accepting my reality and getting what i need to be alive again and finally hearing those words three days after my 34th birthday. (IF THATS NOT A RUN-ON SENTENCE. THANKS CALIFORNIA EDUCATION)
its time. Im using up my lives way to fast..
deep breath
YVES (Weinstein Version)
Wanted to say to you: I rewatched Yves Saint Laurent film today. His life was rather....oh to familiar. In many ways it was the me, it was you, it was us, it was the us i wish we were, it was the us i wish weren't us, its the everything with a really great soundtrack. I want to discuss. one day.
The industry vs. The Ego
The industry is tough place to be in sometimes. Shall i say choose to be in. We are the ones put ourselves in this war that is "the industry." It us that takes the wounds from "the industry" in which they throw at us... or is it?
I'd like to give credit where credit is due.. "the industry" is actually the ideal home to bring most if not all of our ideas to fruition... That in a whole is only the exciting and opportunist platform in which giving us the chance to be heard with our craft.
The ones who are throwing the weapons and breaking dreams, souls and hopes are "the Egos." The individuals who are threatened, who are worried, who are in fear of their own position being taken, their cover being blown or the realization that they in fact are phonies and don't actually have anything they can offer besides good face and fancy words.
I don't do what i do to feed an ego, or mother an insecurity. I dont expect that from anyone and so no one should expect such from others.
Of course validation and acknowledgment is wonderful fuel to continue to do what we do as artists.. but egos can leave such a sour taste in your mouth after being forces to taste it one way or another.time after time..title after title or lack there of.. it makes everything i do.... less interesting for me because .... i'd rather just not deal with you devaluing me, my time, my work and just be done.
What determines a great _____(insert artistic occupation here)____ ?
The mood on that particular day of a #hashtag